


Everyone you look up to, is really as fucked up as you.

by Jaxxxx



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Graphic, I promise, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, but happy ending, infamous - Freeform, nonfamous, please dont read if youll get triggered, trigger - Freeform, triggering, whatever the right word is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 05:22:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1539233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxxxx/pseuds/Jaxxxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hates himself, but he loves Louis.<br/>Louis hates himself, but he loves Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone you look up to, is really as fucked up as you.

**Author's Note:**

> title from Pain by Hollywood Undead

Harry hates himself.  
Louis hates himself

Harry loves Louis.  
Louis loves Harry.

Let's take a look at the older of the two, shall we? Louis, right now, is laying in his bed. The bed he shares with Harry. Its eleven on a Friday night, and he cannot sleep. Harry is asleep, right beside him, with his arms wrapped around his boyfriend and their legs tangles together. Louis can't help but smile. Sure, its the time of night where the demons come out to play, but he has Harry, right there.

Meanwhile, Harry's sound asleep. Dreaming. We don't know what he's dreaming about. But, he won't remember in the morning, anyway.

Louis pulls his sleeve up. He sighs. He looks at the old scars. The new scars. The still bloody scars. The ones so faded he can barely see anymore.

Lets check up on the younger now. Yesterday, Harry was bent over the toilet, two fingers down his throat. He pushes his fingers back. Grazing his tonsils. No lock. Epiglottis? Gag. He's gagging now. And, there, uvula. He coughs, he pukes, he smiles, he cringes. He throws up until he's dry heaving. He doesn't do this often. Well, he considers it not often. He doesn't do it after every meal. Just if he.... felt like he needed to. "Babe?" Harry hears, joined by a knock on the door. "One second, Lou," Harry says calmly. Louis nods even though he knows Harry can't see that through the closed door. Harry comes out soon after, he brushes his teeth, and walks out. He walks down the hall, to see Louis on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket. God damn, he looks so beautiful. So cuddly.

"Hey, sunshine," Harry says, as he hops under the blanket with Louis. Louis lets out a small "hi" and snuggles into Harry's side. "Do you wanna see if there's anything good on tv?" Harry asks, to which Louis lightly shakes his head. "Can we just cuddle?" Louis asks, his head against Harry's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. "of course," Harry whispers, adjusting so they can snuggle in a more comfortable position.

Now, Louis's head is on Harry's chest, their arms swung over each other, and Harry ever so often leaving tiny kisses on top of Louis's feathery hair.

Now, for both of them. Louis eventually gets back to sleep. Harry wakes up first, smiling at his cute, snoring boyfriend. He kisses his forehead. Harry wants Louis to sleep. He needs some rest. They had a busy day of shopping, going to dinner (which Harry didn't keep down for long), and then lots of cuddling, yesterday.

Harry walks downstairs, and starts making eggs. He thinks to himself "Am I gonna need to purge....? No, no, eggs are healthy, right....?" he shakes his head. "Don't think like that" he tells himself.

Louis wakes up to the smell of eggs, and Harry singing. "He is so perfect," Louis whispers, and smiles. He walks downstairs quietly, so he can hear Harry singing for a while more. As Louis gets closer, he can make out the lyrics. "I'm talkin' 'bout, blue eyes, blue eyes, what's the matter, matter? So blind, so blind, what's the matter, matter? Blue eyes, blue eyes, what's the matter with you?" Louis smiles, from around the corner. "so fucking much," he whispers. Harry sings some more. "Do I attract you, do I repulse you with my queasy smile? Am I too dirty, am I to flirty, do I like what you like?" Louis giggles. 'I always knew Mika was his favorite singer' and Harry goes on.

A song that isn't Mika. "Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor, and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words. 'what a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding' says the bridesmaid to the waiter, 'And, yes but what a shame, what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore!'" Louis giggles.

He wants to step in, but that means Harry might stop singing.

"They're gonna clean up your looks, with all the lies and the books. To make a citizen out of you. Because they sleep with a gun and keep an eye on you son!"

New song.

"Today, you don't want to get out of bed.  
There are so many thoughts in your head.  
Like you'd be better off dead, better off dead  
But let me tell you,  
there's a whole world waiting for you.  
It's hard to believe but it's true. Whoa.

So just hold on for me, hold on for me.  
Cause' I believe if you go,  
My heart would break, just hold on one more day.  
Cause' you are so beautiful.  
I promise you this, I promise you this  
and you are more than capable. Whoa  
Just believe in yourself and nobody else is listening

And I may not even know your name,  
but I promise you I've felt the same.  
As you do right now, you'll make it somehow  
and even if you feel as though you have no friends  
except the blade that cuts your skin  
You're better than this, you're worth more than this

And I believe if you go my heart would break  
Just hold on one more day.  
Cause' you are so beautiful.  
I promise you this, I promise you this.  
And you are more than capable. Whoa.  
Just believe in yourself and nobody else is listening.

And If you go I think my heart would break  
And if you go I think my heart would break  
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Cause' you are so beautiful.  
I promise you this, I promise you this.  
I promise that you are capable. Whoa.  
I promise you this, I promise this  
I promise you that, you are so beautiful.  
I promise you this, I promise you this,  
I promise that you are capable.  
Just believe in yourself and nobody else is listening"

Louis is speechless. He doesn't realize he's crying, until Harry asks "how long have you been standing there" with a smirk. "since 'Blue eyes'" Louis smiles. "That long? Lou, you could have come in, sat down," Harry says, then realizes the tears on Louis's cheeks, and in his eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Harry says, wiping the tears off of his tiny boyfriend's cheeks, with his thumbs. Louis shakes his head.

"No, sweetie, tell me, I hate seeing you cry," Harry says, pulling Louis closer. "that song.... got to me,"

"Which one?"  
"Emma blackery,"  
"Why?"  
"It's.... powerful. I mean, suicide, cutting, its.... powerful,"

Harry wipes the tears flowing from Louis's eyes. "Aw, baby.... It's alright,"

"No, its not. I-I don't. I. I. don't. Harry!" Louis sobs into Harry's chest. "shhhh, its alright, shhhh, baby...." Harry softly cries into the top of Louis's head.

"I don't. I. I don't wanna live sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I w-wasn't here. J-just die. B-but you-you're keeping me alive. A-and I l-love you, pumpkin,"

"I know, baby, I know. Its fucking terrible. It hurts, so fucking much. I love you, you're keep me alive too, sunshine. You are my sunshine. I love you so, so, much,"

Soon, they're both sobbing messes in each others arms.

"The eggs are cold,"

Louis giggles in Harry's chest. Harry smiles into the kiss he plants on Louis's head.

"It's all gonna be alright, baby, I promise," Harry whispers. Louis stands on his tiptoes, to kiss him.

Louis then snuggles his head back into Harry's chest. "I'm not hungry. Are you?" Louis asks. Harry shakes his head in response. Louis grabs Harry's hand and leads him back to bed. Louis hops up and slams his shoulder into the bed. He giggles. "Fun," he says. "Don't do that, you'll get hurt, baby," Harry whispers, covering them up and allowing Louis to snuggle into his side.

Louis nods into Harry's chest. "Lou?" Harry asks. Louis hums in response. "I, I purged again yesterday," Harry says, feeling tears start to make their way onto his cheeks. "No, baby...." Louis says, propping himself up on his elbow so he can look over his crying boyfriend. "I'm sorry, I'm s-so f-fucking sorry, Lou," Harry sobs. "shhhh, Hazza, its alright. Don't be sorry, I love you so, so, so, so, much. Don't ever, ever forget that. Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault. I know you can't help it," Louis says, wiping the tears from Harry's face with his thumb. "Thank you, so much," Harry replies, as Louis brushes the curls from his face. "There's something I should tell you, too,"

*this is not finished*

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! did you like it? should I write more? have a nice day.  
> *TOKATONTON*


End file.
